Why do I keep forgetting about my blog...?

I'm sorry I keep forgetting about my blog. Life gets in the way a lot. But that's what I'm suppose to be writing about I know. I just always forget I have this blog. I think from now on I will set an alarm on my phone for at least once a week for me to write a blog post. It sounds like a good a idea But will I actually do it that's the question.

I know for some people It's not hard to keep up with your blog But it is hard for me. So how do you bloggers do it?

The High Ground

So today is Thursday and just like every Thursday I have praise team practice. Can I just say that I love my band members even though the are all older then me, like several years older. But I still love them all and they treat me like family. I think that is good when you have are in a band that you become like one big family because you become closer and more in sync with each other.

Praise team practice is usually very entertaining. We always have a good time and we always laugh about everything even when we mess up, like hit the wrong note or we are in the wrong key. I love how the environment we make feels free.

If you are in the Elizabeth or Radcliff area of Kentucky you should come check us out every Sunday at 11 a.m at 1080 S Logsdon Pkwy in Radcliff. Our church has a warm, loving, and welcoming environment. (did I mention we have fresh coffee and tea) We want to make you feel like your part of the family but just to warn you once you come once your already part of the family and we are not going to leave you alone (in a loving way of course). So come join us for some coffee or tea which ever you prefer and some great worship, teaching, and fellowship.

How could you do this?

(Warning there is some mild language.)

Have you ever been in a situation where you just say how could they do this to me?

Well I have been in a situation like that my entire life it seems. I grew up with separated parents and I would visit my biological Dad every other weekend. Things were always a little rough, but when isn't that situation rough? I thought maybe as I got older things would smooth out between everyone, but actually I was quite wrong. As I got older things actually got worse. Everyone was fighting all the time, one person after another got blamed for ridiculous things, and child services even got called. After children services got called I stopped talking to my biological Dad and he stopped talking to me. I was so upset because of what he did that I physically couldn't talk to him or else I would break down. I thought that maybe my biological Dad would try and salvage any type of relationship we had left but he didn't, he just went on with his life like I wasn't there. I didn't receive any birthday wishes or cards or holiday wishes or cards from him for years. 

For several years it was like radio silence between my biological Dad and I. Then one year out of nowhere we started talking again and it was around Christmas time so him, his wife, and my brothers took me Christmas shopping. The thing I remember though was that my biological Dad didn't hardly speak to me when we went shopping, it was my step-mom who was talking to me and catching up with me. But like usual something happened and we all stopped talking again for a couple years.

Last year when I moved to Fairborn, Oh and I was close distance wise to my biological Dad we started talking again. Everything was fine. I mean of course we had our ups and downs and little arguments like normal father and daughter. Then I moved to Kentucky because that is where my family was going because my step-dad who is the man I call my Dad was stationed here in Kentucky. 

Shortly after we moved to Kentucky I turned 18 and if you know anything about child support that is the cut off age for it. My mom got a letter from the agency saying that my biological Dad had over paid in child support and we owe him that money back. First of all how does someone over pay for their child that they are helping support and second of all the amount was crazy. So that kind of upset my mom but she was like whatever I will pay it back and everything was fine. But it seems like once everything is fine is when things start happening. 

Last night I was scrolling through facebook and I noticed my biological Dad had posted something about child support. So I started reading and it was about how he wishes that the people who owe him child support money back in over paid child support would pay him back cause they really need that money. I was going to comment on the status saying that we were working on it, but then I started reading the comments and what he said in them. One of them said that we took his money and when it came to us paying him back that it was like whatever and then another one said that if he didn't get something soon he would turn into the not so nice ex. Those comments made me mad and upset so I commented back. I told him "Wow really? We took your money from you? I thought that, that money was supposed to help get things for me, your daughter." He never responded to my comment so i sent him a message. I told him "That status you posted about the child support and us paying you back pisses me off. I am actually very upset about it and also the comments along with it. Like the one were you said we took your money and when it comes to us paying it back it's like whatever. Seriously I mean come on. We took your money? I could of sworn that money came towards to help get me things since for years I got nothing from you! I love that's how you look at it instead of looking at it as that money was helping put food my mouth, your daughter. I can't stand the way you talk about us. We don't talk about you that way. I can't do this anymore. We will pay the money back that we supposedly took from you but I don't want to talk to you anymore so just leave me alone forever. Goodbye!" All he had to say was " whatever." So I replied with " Wow really? You really must not care anymore. You're really going to complain about how your not getting paid back yet? Where do you even get the audacity to do that? How does someone over pay for their own child? And how could a father be so uncaring and unaware of how his daughter might feel about everything? How does someone who went several years without talking or even saying happy birthday or merry Christmas to their daughter have room to complain about something so ridiculous? You know I cried every birthday that you didn't say happy birthday to me. I cried when my father wouldn't even send me a damn birthday card or holiday card. I cried for years because my father gave up on his only daughter. And now you have truly shown me that you honestly don't care about me anymore because you can't even apologize cause you ego is too damn big. I have forgiven you over and over, time after time and have even taken the blame for all the things that went wrong. I thought it was me who was messing up, I thought it was me who stopped loving... you made me think that but really it was you who stopped caring.

My biological Dad never replied to me last night. I did also receive two nasty and hateful message after that from my step-mom and one of my brothers. I think what hurt me the most was the message from my brother.

Things are hectic for me right now. There is only so much drama, cruelty and hateful words a person can take and I have reached my limit right now. I am so hurt by my biological father right now that I do not want to speak or see him ever again. 

We talked about how hard it is to forgive someone at church a couple weeks ago and right now I am having so much trouble with that. I have forgiven him over and over again and every time I get hurt by something he says or does or doesn't do in this case. How can someone repeatedly hurt their child after she has forgiven him every time? I just don't understand and maybe I never will. 

I'm sorry!

Hey guy's I am sorry I haven't posted in a while. Things have been super crazy lately. I have had so much going on that I have been to distracted to write a blog post. So what's been going on in my life? 

Well right now I am on vacation. Where am I? I am in Virginia at my Grandparent's house. What have I been doing? Well I have went bowling, which is always fun. I have gone to a water park, which is definitely fun. I have gone to a botanical garden, which is where we went today and it was fun. Tomorrow we are going to the zoo and I am excited because I LOVE animals. I am not sure what we are doing on Thursday but Thursday is my last day on vacation. Vacation has gone by too fast. 

We leave Friday morning and I am supposed to be going to Jesus Culture on Friday. I am supposed to be meeting up with my home church and go with them but I am not sure how that is going to work. Honestly it really bums me out that I might not be able to go because I have been wanting to go since last year when they started talking about it. But it seems like here lately plans have been falling to pieces. It is kinda frustrating but I guess that is life right? 

Here I am making it day by day!

Beautiful!

Beauty doesn't mean you have to be a size zero
Beauty doesn't mean you have to have straight teeth
Beauty is not the make on your face
Beauty doesn't mean you have perfect skin

Beauty is loving your flaws
Beauty is being true to yourself
Beauty is different for everyone
Beauty is uniquely being individual




I believe that being beautiful is being perfectly imperfect because no matter how great those models and celebrities look in those photos, I hate to break it to you, but that's not how they actually look. Society has created thoughts in our mind that we have to look a certain way or wear certain things to be beautiful but that's not true. Deep down we all know that, that is not true. 

Everyone is beautiful just the way they are weather society says you are or not. Just because your not on the front of a magazine or look like the girls on it does not mean your beautiful. If we could all just forget about what society says then that would be great. Society isn't the one who gets to decide who is beautiful and who isn't. All that should matter is you being beautiful the way you want to be.

Don't let society tell you that you are not beautiful because you are beautiful. Everyone is beautiful weather they think they are or not. God made us the way he wanted us to be. So, so what if you have fat arms or a chubby tummy. You are still beautiful just the way you are.

This is me: 

Now you can think whatever you want about me and what I look like but I know that I am beautiful. I am beautiful because God made me the way I am. Don't let society tell you that you aren't beautiful because let me tell you something society is WRONG!

I am making it day by day!

Memories!

Memories
can be good to have
Memories
can also be bad

Memories
remind you who you are
Memories
remind you who you love

Memories
they keep us going
Memories
sometimes can be hard

But the thing
to remember
is that
memories

Memories
are the best thing
to have
along with you


I love every memory I have with anyone even if they are bad ones. The memories you have are your life and that's what makes you yourself. I couldn't imagine a life without memories. I think that would be boring and not fun to live that way. Weather the memories are good or bad I still am glad I have them because if I didn't have them I probably wouldn't know who I am.

I am making it day by day!

Breaking down...

You know those moments at night where you realize things that are actually happening and you just break down completely and sometimes just bust out crying... well I had one of those nights last night. 

I broke down completely last night cause everything just hit me all at once. My breakdown lasted a good five or ten minutes. But I think that breakdowns are good to have once and a while or else everything stays all bottled up. Then eventually when you do breakdown or just bust loose, it could be you accidentally taking it out on someone else or something. Some people think oh if I cry it will show weakness but I think it's exactly the opposite. I think that it shows you are strong because your facing the situation or dealing with the situation at hand. 

There are times in our lives where we have to be strong for everyone else but sometimes that gets really rough. At this point in my life with everything going on I feel like I am supposed to be the one that's strong for everyone else. But it gets really tough at times because sometimes you feel like you don't have that one person to be strong for you when you feel weak or feel like you can't do it anymore. The person that keeps me strong when I feel like I can't do it anymore is my dad. My dad is leaving for a while and I can't say why or anything like that but I can tell you he is coming back. He has been telling me I will be fine do not worry about me I will be back. But of course I am still gonna worry about him. I am staying strong at the moment but I know as the next couple of days pass, it's going to be hard. Over time it might get easier and I am hoping it will. 

These are the moments where I just sit in prayer and ask for Jesus to my strength and to be my rock. I know he is always there and never leaves us but there are always those moments where it feels like he is not there. I know he is there though. Sometimes though you just need that comfort of a person, an actual person to make you feel a little better. 

I know I am going to make it through this. 

I am making it day by day!